Sunday, August 7, 2011

My Journey

It's been a while, having time for myself to sit and think through things. First things first, this journey I've been through in the span of 1 month in a half, helped me learn so many things about life and inner strength. It's hard, sitting here & writing what happened to me this summer because these events really emotionally & physically tore me apart. But, I won't stop here. I know this is the first step in recovering my scars, my wounds, & my heart.

I left for Taiwan to visit my dad at the hospital because he was diagnosed with hep. C cancer. He was in the last stages of cancer, the most weakest & hardest stage of cancer... but, I was there, right next to my Dad through it all and it was the HARDEST thing i've EVER experienced in my whole 19 years of life. Everyday, for the past month in a half, I watched my dad get more sick as each day passes by. But, in that time I always had hope and faith in God for helping my dad through this battle. Everyday and night that I was at that hospital, sitting next to my dad, I prayed. Long & hard. I've always prayed before but this time was different. I emotionally and spiritually depended on God to help not just my dad through his sickness but with me. Everyday, it was an emotional roller coaster for me. You see, I've always been strong in life. I knew in my heart that as long as I have God in me, I have the strength to get through anything life spits at me. But, I'm going to be totally honest. Even though I always had the inner strength in me to hope and have faith in my dad's battle, I never really had that strength in myself to get through what I was experiencing. I always thought I could brush things off. When the doctor says "Your father might not make it. He might not get through this, Megan." I always took it as if it was nothing. I immediately thought in my head "Who are you to tell me that my dad only has 1 week left to live?! Only God determines when a person can live or leave." You see, even though I knew all of my dads doctors warned me that my dad might not make it at the end, I always knew in my heart that I could not give up. I couldn't believe it. I was in denial. Through everything that was happening.

Then, on the morning of July 14, 2011 when I saw my dad, I felt completely different. I told myself that "Today might be the day... that my dad might leave this world." I couldn't help but cry. So, I immediately headed down to the hospital's nearby park and cried my heart out. It was terrible. I was using more tissues to wipe my tears up than a person watching a heart-felt movie. Seriously. Sigh* Anyways, while I was crying my heart out, alone, I put my hands together, and prayed. I told God, "God... I know you're really busy right now. You have to answer other people's prayers but please listen to me. I really need you right now. I'm afraid that my dad might not make it today. I know things happen in life for a reason but PLEASE God, PLEASE help my dad through this. He's fighting hard through this but I know in my heart that my Dad needs you more than anything right now. But.... if today is the day, the day that he might leave this world, please take him peacefully. He suffered way too much in his life and the last thing he needs is to suffer while dying.." I cried like i've never cried before. I've prayed like i've never prayed before. I depended on God like i've never did before.

That afternoon, it was only my sister, my dads girlfriend, and I in the room. Around 4 in the afternoon, my dad took 2 LONG deep breaths and I slowly saw his life leave his eyes. I immediately looked at the monitor & watched my dads heart rate shoot down from 110 to 20 in a mere 10 seconds. I physically felt my heart drop to my stomach. I saw my dads girlfriend hold his hand and yell, "My lover, my sweet lover... wake up!" I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe this was actually happening. I then quickly grabbed my dads right hand and scream "DAD, DAD WAKE UP! Please....... Wake up......." His eyes were slowly rolling back and he didn't respond back to either of us. The nurses & doctors rushed in to the room & immediately hooked my dad up to morphine to calm his nerves and pain. They then hooked my dad up to the heart rate monitor and I saw my dads line go up and down, up and down, up and down, but he didn't respond to anyone at all. Then a couple minutes later, HE WOKE UP AGAIN. He took 1 large breath and woke up. He said with his own mouth "I still have unfinished business to take care of." I seriously thought God gave my dad another chance to live... but around another 30 minutes to an hour, he left all of us again. He said at that moment "Please let me sleep... let me rest." My whole family had tears rolling down their cheeks, they were all hurting, I was hurting, but when my dad said that I knew it was his time to go. To finally be in peace. He closed his eyes and slept but in a mere few minutes, he didn't respond to anyone. But his heart monitor was still going. So we all knew he was still alive, but he was not completely gone yet. I immediately whispered in my dads ear, "Dad.... please, don't do this to yourself. You fought for your whole life, you are incredibly strong, you are always there for your family when they needed you but please Dad, it's your time to rest. It's your time to take care of yourself & go with God, go with grandma & grandpa. You're the best father any daughter can ask for. No one could ever replace you because you're the worlds BEST FATHER any daughter can have. I can take care of my sister, like i've always been doing. I can take care of myself, ever since I was little, when you & mom divorced. But please dad, don't stay on Earth as a ghost. You can't find peace when your spirit is left on earth. Please go with God, go with grandma & grandpa. Spend your retirement in Heaven. You, of all people, deserve that the most. If your spirit stays on earth you have no way in protecting my sister and I. You can only protect us from heaven. You can only watch us from Heaven." In just a few moments later, my dad nodded. And within a few minutes later, he left. My father, left the world at July 14, 2011 8:58PM (Eastern Time). And at that moment, I felt incredibly low. Lower than the ground. I was an emotional and physical mess. My dad has left us all, but even though he was gone, during that week my dad left, I could still feel my dad around me. I know for sure, that he's watching me and my sister from the clouds up above. And that's whats really helping me through all of this. Although my Dad did not make it, I still felt God's strength within me, I felt his arms carrying me through this rocky battle, & most importantly, I felt his love for me through everything.

This was just ONE part of what I have been going through. After my dad has passed away, my family has been fighting non-stop. And, I couldn't believe my eyes.. my uncles and aunts, the ones who were there for me when I was a child, fought within eachother after my dad was gone. I did not have ANY comfort and support. I felt like after all i've been through my heart was more vulnerable than it has ever been through. But still, I held on. I didn't want this to ruin me. But something else happened to me that I didn't really want to believe. I lost not just my dad, but also my boyfriend. In a different way. He's still alive but, something happened between us that I can not say. And at that moment, when my boyfriend and I had problems, I was not myself. I fought through all these obstacles but the last part really ruined me. I felt all my light and hope get sucked out of my own heart, my mind, and soul. I really wasn't myself. I was in a REALLY dark place, a place where I have never been before. It finally took me a week to finally see the light at the end of this tunnel, and that has really saved me from doing a lot of stupid things. Every time I even think about completely losing myself, I thought about my Dad, my Grandparents, and most importantly God.

I'm still healing. I'm not fully recovered. But I know in my heart that with everything that i've gone through, I seriously need to spend time to fully take care of myself. Whether it is physically, emotinally, and spiritually. I need to take care of them all. Through this whole experience, i've neglected myself and told myself that I always had the inner strength to get through whatever obstacle I was going through. But then again, i'm only human too. I forgot to fully experience the grief and loss of my dad, the hurt and trauma of my family fighting, and the pain and heartbreaking feeling of losing a boyfriend too.

But, I know in my heart I will get better. I just need time. A LOT of time to recover and piece myself back together. But I'm just so happy that i'm not alone because I still have my friends and some of my TRUE family members to help me through this journey. I will be okay. But, I just need time to heal & mend all these scars.

In the end, I know I can always look up to God because EVERYTHING in life happens for a reason and if anything... of all the things i've been experiencing, it is that I couldn't believe how much willpower and inner strength I was able to have. This is just a really huge chapter in my life that I had to overcome, but I know in the end, I am not alone. I now have a guardian angel, my father, watching over me... and that's all that matters.


Bertha Uribe-Bastidas said...

i got the goosebumps reading this. im extremely sorry for your loss. i know i would also be devistated if i lost my father.

Connie Houng said...

Awww... Megan, I cried reading this. I know that Dad is not around us physically anymore, but I strongly believe he is still around us, spiritually. He is definitely in a happier place, in heaven smiling down at you & I. & whenever we miss him or want to see him, we could, at rose hills. We will get through this, and we've got each other. :)